did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
