Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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