She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
