I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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