The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
