if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
