I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
