i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
