I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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