Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
