I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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