After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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