remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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