I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i believe in u and ur pee
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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