i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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