Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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