Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
