whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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