if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
