I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
