literally had 100 drinks last night.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
