I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
