So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
