Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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