My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
