I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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