I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
