remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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