Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
