I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
