Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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