I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
