all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
