dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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