I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
