WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
