whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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