Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
