My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
