Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
