Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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