I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
