Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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