How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
