Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
