I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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