How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
