good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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