actually, I'm a sock model
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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