so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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